If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device Short 7: 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓘𝓶𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓪𝓵 𝓛𝓪𝔀


MAN-EMPEROR OF MANKIND: “ROGAL.” Rogal Dorn: “Yes?” Emperor: [SKELETON SHRIEK] Guardsman: [Frightened noise] Emperor:”ARE YOU FRIGHTENED?” Dorn: “No.” Emperor: “YOU MAY NOT BE AWARE. BUT I AM A SKELETON.” Emperor: “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIGHTENED.” Dorn:”Skeletons do not frighten me, father.” Emperor: “NEVER HAVE I HEARD A MORE DISINGENUOUS LIE, – Emperor: “MADE EVER WORSE COMING FROM YOU.” Dorn: “It is no lie.” Dorn “3% of my body is already not but Skeleton” Emperor: “SKELETONS ARE THE MOST AGITATING FRAMEWORK KNOWN TO MAN.” Dorn: “No. That would be the Imperium’s legal framework.” Emperor:”PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME THE LEX IMPERIALIS HAS FUCKED OVER.” Dorn: “Reproductive Organs have not been used to push our imperial laws of the proverbial window, father.” Emperor: “I WISH FOR THE DAY TO COME WHEN THIS PAIN ENDS.” Dorn: “According to multiple passages in the Book of Judgement, you just broke 357 different Laws Within the Span of those 11 words.” Emperor: “SO WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME IS THAT-” Emprah: “THE HUMONGOUS BUREAUCRATIC BLISTERS UPON THIS-” Empy: “ONCE FINE IMPERIAL MUSCULATURE-” Emperor: “HAS MANAGED TO RUIN MY ENTIRE POOR, SWEET DICTATES IMPERIALIS-” Emperor: “THROUGH A CASE OF GALACTICAL MYOTONIC DYSTROPHY?” Define ‘ruin’. Emperor: “I AM NOT GOING TO DEFINE SHIT GET BENT DROP DEAD POP A KNOT FUCK OFF Dorn: “According to aproximately 511 passages in the Book of Judgement,” Dorn: “Refraining from defining words to Imperials of high political stature is punishable by a five day death sentence in a phosphex bath,” Dorn: “As well as a summary kick to the jaw.” Emperor: “BY TERRA’S TITANIC TITMILLS I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN SUCH LAWS. Emperor: “WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?” Dorn: “Since the 31st Millennium,-” Dorn: “The Book of Judgement has continueously expanded upon the Lex Imperialis,-” Dorn: “with the adding of new laws every single day.” Emperor: “OH GOODNESS NO.” Rogal: “Yes.” Emperor: “WHAT IS THE CURRENT GROWTH RATE?” Dorn: “Approximately 100 volumes are added to its number for every day that passes,-” Dorn: “Enforced by the Adeptus Arbites, whom serve as Judge, Jury, and Executioner.” Emperor:”OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Emperor: “OH NO OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO.” Dorn: “Here is my outdated copy of the book of Judgment.” [THUD] Dorn: “I sometimes use it as a support beam.” Emperor: “BY ZOAS’ HIGH VOLTAGE WILLY THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.” [SMASH]
Dorn: “Yes.” Emperor: “QUICKLY ROGAL, MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO MAKE NEW LAWS. TIME IS OF THE FUCKING ESSENCE ROGAL” “GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO”
Dorn: “I am go.” Master of the Administratum: “eeeeeeEEYY!” Master of the Administratum: “Do you high boys remember that one time-” Master of the Administratum: “when the clown goblins in-” [RIP Master of the Administratum’s digestive track ???-999.M41] Master of the Administratum: “-invaded the Imperial Palace?” [ELDERLY SCREECHING] Grand Provost Marshal of the Adeptus Arbites (Good God what a mouthful): “I AM THE LAWN!” [SENIOR CITIZEN NOISES] Grand Provost Marshal of the Adeptus Arbites: “Yes, we must ban Cloud Goblins!” [LESSER THUD] Dorn: “I am Rogal Dorn.” Dorn: “I came here to inform you youngsters that making news laws is now illegal, -” Dorn: “-per my father’s wishes.” Dorn: “That is all.”
Grand Provost Marshal of the Adeptus Arbites: “But..making new laws..” Grand Provost Marshal of the Adeptus Arbites: “That’s…my favorite thing!” Master of the Administratum: “Aw well, fiddlefucks. I guess clown goblins are legal after all.” Poor guy Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard: “FUCK YOU MAGNUS. Dorn:”The installation of new imperial laws has now been illegalized, father.” Emperor: “GOOD.” EMPEROR: “I LIGHTLY SKIMMED THROUGH THIS ABOMINATION OF A LEGAL DOCTRINE.” Emperor: “ITS CLAIM THAT THIS ENTIRE CODE IS MY SPOKEN WORD-” Emperor: “IS ABOUT AS LUDICROUS AS AN ORK WITH A LEXICON.” Emperor: “IF I WAS FORCED TO WRITE DOWN EVERY SINGLE WORD WRITTEN IN THIS BOOK, Emperor: “I WOULD HAVE TO POSTPONE THE GREAT CRUSADE BY SEVERAL MILLENNIA.” Dorn: “This is true.” Emperor: “ALSO, WHAT IS THE MATERIAL THIS BOOK IS MADE OUT OF? Dorn: “Human skin.” [THUD OF DISGUST] Emperor: “FUCKING EW.” Dorn: “It taking time is understandable.” Dorn: “Even larger would be the volumes containing prior cases of unsolved litigations.” Dorn: “If the Arbites are for whatever reason not legally able to smash the accused’s head in the spot, -” Dorn: “It can take millienna for the judges to reach a conclusion for a case-” Dorn: “Due to the contradictory nature of the Book of Judgement.” Emperor: “SINCE NAUGHT BUT CIVILIANS AND WORKERS ARE UNDER THE GRASP-” Emperor: “OF IMPERIAL JURISDICTION,-” Emperor: “WOULD SAID CASES NOT RUN OUT INTO THE SAND DUE TO THE FACT THAT-” Emperor: “HUMANS USUALLY DIDE BEFORE REACHING A THOUSAND YEARS OF AGE?” Dorn: “No.” Emperor: “WHY THE FUCK NOT?” Dorn: “Judges will spend all their time scrutinizing a case only for them, -” Dorn: “and the accused to eventually die.” Dorn: “When this happens the case is immediately passed on to their successors, -” Dorn: “and after several generations has past,-” Dorn: “the case will reach a conclusion and a ruling is made,-” Dorn: “justice being dispensed on to the distant descendants of the original transgressor.: Emperor: “WHAT A MASSIVE WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD TIME, LIVES, AND PARCHMENT.” Emperor: “HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW A LAW-” Emperor: “THAT IS TOO INCOMPREHENSIBLE FOR EVEN A JUDGE TO FOLLOW?” Dorn: “It is impossible, father.” Emperor: “USUALLY WHEN I SAY THAT,-” Emperor: “I GET A POORLY CONSTRUCTED COUNTER ARGUMENT-” Emperor: “THAT I CAN THEN THOROUGHLY AND VIOLENTLY DEBUNK.” Dorn: “The Adeptus Arbites wear buckets on their head.” Dorn: “Have you noticed this?” Emperor: “YES.” Dorn: “It is funny to me.” Emperor: “HAVING FUN IS ILLEGAL IN THIS IMPERIUM.” Dorn: “This is true.” Emperor: [AGITATED SKELETON SHRIEK] ???: [Unintelligible mumbling]

100 comments

  1. I always love the little pause before every comment.

    Don't have to be a psyker to tell the Emperor needs a second to take that in(And feel incredibly sad about it).

  2. The Imperial's legal framework is not to be confused with the United States of America Legal Framework, they are similar, but not quite yet.

  3. 2:00 is that "Attention citizen, multiple third party individuals has reported of your recent action being innapropriate" guy?

  4. Dear Man-Emperor, why hasn't the Imperium collapsed under the weight of it own Retardation? I know that we humans are resilient and stubborn bastards, but DAMN!

    Your perplexed servant, I'am a Redguard!

  5. In the words of Robert Heinlein "“I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.”

    And if the Imperium wants to mess with me on this, I'll be screaming "HAIL CHAOS!!" all the way to the jail cell they want to cram me into until an Inquisitor launches exterminatus on the entire planet. This is grimdark. I'm not above taking you all with me.

  6. When you've got a dam support beam for your laws its just insane the imperium of man is worse than the state of California

  7. Тот кто делает русские субтитры автоматом попадает в рай, вальгалу или куда ещё(по желанию) после смерти

  8. See the fun part about this series is trying to distinguish jokes from actual 40k lore because of just how ridiculous the lore is.

  9. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  10. "Define…'ruin'."

    "I am not going to define shit get bent drop dead pop a knot fuck OFF."

    Even through the TTS device, Emp's inflections are hilarious.

  11. In the words of the all mighty Sly Marbo: "………AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

  12. What was in that corner the Emperor through the outdated copy of the book of judgment into to make so much noise?

  13. Oh man, it might be better if the emperor never comes back. He is going to have so much shit to do if/when he does.

  14. There is a skeleton inside you right now, it trying to claw its way out, every year it succeeds just a little bit

  15. Thinking about it, I think there is only one person in all of the Imperium that ever lived who could work with the laws in that book in record time. The not-to-be Judge of the Imperium, Konrad Curze. A primarch's brain is an amazing thing, especially when wired from birth to the concept of justice.

  16. I sympathize totally with Konrad Curze, I get why he beat Rogal half to death.

    Imagine dealing with that for years and years on end.

  17. After watching this episode a several dozen times I realized something, a hand only take up 0.5%-0.65% of a body not 3%, Rogal either mistook the numbers(which is very unlikely considering its Rogal) or… He's a lot more Injured then we were lead to believe, maybe that's why he's never left the Centurion Armor he's horribly damaged and doesn't want to worry his father.

    Just noticed Rogal used Telekinesis, that's new, wonder how he got Psyker abilities.

  18. damn and i thought a dicatorship during theese times were tough by the emperor thoose laws does not make any sense at all…

  19. Every day the Manperor thinks "This rotten scrotum of an Imperium cannot possibly sink lower", and every day he is proven wrong

  20. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAA;)

  21. 2:36 That's not a collapse of an ancient digestive track.. that was some poor voice actor burping his guts out

  22. Jeez, now imagine Roboute Guilliman going through this in canon, WITHOUT his father's complete and total authority over the high lords…

  23. I find it funny that rogal calls the council youngsters on account that they are just very old normal humans (probably about, I’d call it about 97) and rogal is like thousands of years old

  24. Naah that would be the imperium's legal framework I'm yet to see someone else who knows how to hand the emprah his own butt like Rogal does 😂😂😂

  25. 10 Millenium is equivalent to 3650000 days now convert that into laws and yeah I see why the emperor's well you see

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