Thanks for choosing Pizza Hut, how can help you this morning? DUNKEY: Is this Pizza Hut? Yes, it is. DUNKEY: More like Pizza Butt. Stupid ass, I knew it was you! You dumbass fuck! DUNKEY: GOTCHA DUNKEY: And I better get my damn pizza too, I better get it. LOU: It is a great day here at Pizza Hut, this is Lou how may I help you? DUNKEY: Heyya lemme get a pep-pepperon-ayy LOU: I’m sorry? DUNKEY: Let me get a one pepperone. LOU: I cannot understand you sir. You want a pepper- one slice of pepperoni? Or you want a pizza pepperoni? DUNKEY: One pepperone yeah LOU: I’m sorry? DUNKEY: Yeah you know (Laughs) LOU: I’m sorry, I don’t know sir. I’m just trying to find out what would you like. DUNKEY: Oh you know (Laughs) DUNKEY: You know me (Laughs) LOU: Who’s this? DUNKEY: This is uh… me LOU: I’m sorry who? DUNKEY: This is the me- This is the meat man. DUNKEY: You know me LOU: I’m sorry I cannot… LOU: Who? DUNKEY: Thank you LOU: Is this for pick- LOU: Hello? DUNKEY: (Chuckle) And I better get it too. Thank you for choosing Belmont-Kimball Pizza Hut. How may I help you today? DUNKEY: Hey, lemme get a peetz DUNKEY: HAHa DUNKEY: Alright and I better get it too. We’re having a great day on (unintelligible). How are you doing today? DUNKEY: Hey! Where’s my pizza? Uh… You didn’t order anything DUNKEY: I ordered like two seconds ago. DUNKEY: Where’s my pizza man? I don’t know DUNKEY: Garlic bread. Umm. Garlic cheese bread. DUNKEY: Cheese DUNKEY: Motzerell Pizza Hut Wing Street. DUNKEY: Umm… chicken wings Hello? DUNKEY: Pizza DUNKEY: Uhhh, bread sticks. DUNKEY: Uh, Sprite. DUNKEY: You get all that? Yeah, you wanna keep talking? DUNKEY: Yeaaaus Here, go ahead man. Just keep talking. Like I’m not going to hang up on you or anything. DUNKEY: Chicken peetz You called from a Skype number, dude. (Hangs up) DUNKEY: Uh, peetzurell Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. How can I help you? DUNKEY: Hey gimme a weiner pizza. Hoo hoo! And I better get it too. Pizza Hut, will this be for delivery or carryout?” DUNKEY: Is this Papa John? No, this is Pizza Hut DUNKEY: Alright, put Papa John on. Uh yeah I don’t know the phone number for that DUNKEY: Alright, put him on. (Hang up) DUNKEY: Is this him? DUNKEY: Hey Papa John, I need a double peetz- Gamestop, trade in your Smartphones and iDevices for cash or store credit, this is Dave DUNKEY: Hey DAVE: Hello DUNKEY: Dave’s Pizza? DAVE: Dave’s Pizza? Yeah. I make- DUNKEY: Alright DUNKEY: Put on Papa John, okay? DUNKEY: ‘Cuz i can’t trust ya, Dave, I can’t trust ya anymore. You wanna put on Papa John? DUNKEY: Put on John… DUNKEY: Yeah. DAVE: Well that’s a whole different number man, you called Dave’s Pizza. DUNKEY: Is this John? DAVE: This is Dave’s Pizza. DUNKEY: Hey John, get me a side order of chicken wings and two peets…okay? DAVE: You got- you have to have a main order to get a side order… DUNKEY: Thank you babay DUNKEY: I’ll see you in ten minutes. DAVE: Doesn’t work like that buddy. DUNKEY: Is it here? DAVE: $200…Two-Hundred Dollars. DUNKEY: $200 okay. DUNKEY: I’ll pay for that extra delivery. DAVE: Alright yeah be ready in a week. DUNKEY: Okay thanks. DUNKEY: Alright soo we took care a’ that, now I gotta get the soda. Hi you’ve reached Hogan’s Heroes & Pizza; our kitchen will be closed umm… July 2nd DUNKEY: God dammit. until July 9th, end of holiday. *array of beeping* DUNKEY: Oh god It’s gonna explode! *beeping continues* DUNKEY: Get me outta here! If you are a Papa John’s customer and need technical assistance with an online order… TONY: Papa John’s Operations Call Center this is Tony speaking, how can I help you today? DUNKEY: Hey I got a pizza and I’m having a problem with this tech- it’s a technical problem… TONY: Okay so you received your pizza? Is that what you’re saying? DUNKEY: Yeah. TONY: And you you wanna place a complaint about it? DUNKEY: I don’t know how to eat it… TONY: I’m sorry? DUNKEY: I don- I don’t get how supposed eat it… DUNKEY: Do you start from the uhh.. TONY: What do you mean by that? DUNKEY: I mean do you pick up the… Top or the bottom? DUNKEY: I ju- I donno how ta- I dunno- I dunno how to work this thing. DUNKEY: I’m gonna be honest, I dunno how to work this thing… TONY: You don’t know how to work… (Long pause) TONY: …pizza? DUNKEY: Can I get a different one? TONY: I’m sorry? DUNKEY: Can I just get a whole- just get me a whole different one? I want a pepperoni this time. TONY: You’ll have to call your store… DUNKEY: Thank you Papa. DUNKEY: I’ll be looking forward to the pizza that you’re gonna send me. Thank you for calling GameStop (unintelligible) speaking how can I help you DUNKEY: Hey can I preorder the new Pizza Hut Crazy Crust Pizza? I mean how much cheese are you bringing? I mean, it really depends… DUNKEY: uh… if you don’t got the dough, can’t give you the pizza DUNKEY: Well y’know, uh… I would like at least two layers. Two layers… DUNKEY: Think you could hook me up? I might be able to DUNKEY: GameStop? Yes DUNKEY: This is Papa John’s… GameStop. DUNKEY: Papa John’s DUNKEY: Papa John’s. DUNKEY: I’m calling ’em back… Thank you for calling GameStop DUNKEY: It’s Papa John’s, not GameStop (Laughter) Old Spaghetti Factory, this is Amanda how may I help you? DUNKEY: Hey is this Spaghetti Factory? AMANDA: It sure is DUNKEY: Hey is this Papa John’s now? I changed my mind. AMANDA: I’m sorry? DUNKEY: Is this Papa John’s? AMANDA: No it’s the Old Spaghetti Factory. DUNKEY: (Wheezing laughter) You’re joking me right? There ain’t no Old spaghet- you know, you can’t- There ain’t no Old Spaghetti Factory right? This is Papa John’s? AMANDA: Nope! (DUNKEY LAUGHS) this is the Old Spaghetti Factory, Sir. DUNKEY: (laughing) That’s a good one John DUNKEY: (laughing) You got the best jokes John… Nah for real though, give me a- give me a pepperoni DUNKEY: Pepperoni Pizza AMANDA: I’m sorry sir, I think you have the wrong number. DUNKEY: (Laughter) I see what you’re saying (Laughter) yeah just give me one pepperone. Yep. AMANDA: Sir I’m sorry. OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: Thank you for calling Old Spaghetti Factory this is Amy how can I help you? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: Spaghetti Factory how can I help you? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: Pardon me? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: This is the Old Spaghetti Factory..? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: Yes! OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: Can I help you? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: Sorry? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: Can I help you? OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: You just called me. OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: I didn’t call anybody. OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 1: Oh! I just answered the phone (awkward laughter) OLD SPAGHETTI FACTORY 2: Okay. DUNKEY: You guys are in love now! Pepperoni pizza and chicken wings? DUNKEY: (whispered) Yeah but don’t What size do you want the pizza? DUNKEY: (Whispered) I just want- I want a real big pizza, but don’t tell me wife about the chicken wings okay? Thanks Papa John’s DUNKEY: Hello is this Papa John’s? No..? DUNKEY: Fuck you. DUNKEY: (Music Playing) Ey. Hello? DUNKEY: (Music Playing) Ey. Who is this? (MUSIC PAUSES) DUNKEY: (Musically) I’m callin’ Pizza Huuut (MUSIC RESUMES) No, this isn’t Pizza Hut DUNKEY: (musically) I’m callin’ Papa John’s No, this is not Papa John’s, this is Domino’s DUNKEY: *SHARP INHALE* (MUSIC PAUSES) DUNKEY: (Musically) I’m calling Pizza Huuut (MUSIC RESUMES) Hello? DUNKEY: HEY Yo, I’m Spongebob DUNKEY: HEY What’s up? (MUSIC PAUSES) DUNKEY: (Musically) I’m callin’ Pizza Huuut (MUSIC RESUMES) DUNKEY: This is John? JOSH: Josh. DUNKEY: John. JOSH: What can I do for ya? DUNKEY: This is John, right? JOSH: Josh. DUNKEY: John? JOSH: JOSH. J-O-S-H. DUNKEY: John. JOSH: Do you have any questions I can help you with or..? DUNKEY: Is this John? JOSH: Yes, it’s John. SEAN: This is Sean how may I help you? DUNKEY: John? SEAN: Sean? DUNKEY: John. SEAN: Sean. DUNKEY: John. DANA: This is Dana. DUNKEY: John? DANA: Dana. DUNKEY: John. DANA: Can I- can I help you with something? DUNKEY: This John? DANA: No, this is Gamestop. DUNKEY: John. DANA: Yup. DUNKEY: Hey John- JONATHAN: …Xbox One or Ps4; this is Jonathan how can I help you? DUNKEY: JOHN?! JONATHAN: Yes. DUNKEY: HOLY SHIT!