[Jazz riff] [Hard guitar imitation] Dan: [Singing] I’m gonna fuck your dad! [Scurrying footsteps, and a cartoonish running away effect] Arin: What the fuck? Dan: I dunno. Dan: Welcome to The 10 Minute Power Hour! Arin: What are we doing today, Dan? Dan: I dunno, I was gonna ask you that. Dan: Oh, we’re gonna do the tongue thing from, uhh, last time. Arin: Yes. Dan: I shouldn’t say it like that. The, the- Tic Tac Tongue! Arin: We gonna play it. Dan: We’re gonna play Tic Tac Tongue! Dan: The game- uh, the game where you “wear the mask, set up targets, flip a card, start the duel, and WIN!” Arin: Yeah!
Dan: Look at this kid winning! Arin: Be quick to lick! Tucker, filming: [Slurred, mildly unintelligible] Where is he? I can’t see him- there, oh, I got ’em! … He’s happy. [Burp] Dan: Let’s pop this puppy open. Dan: Oh, sweet. Really effective. Arin: You’ve gotta shove the… tongue in the hole. Tucker: [Long, loud groan of disgust] Arin: So it makes it easier for you to blow. Dan: [Laughs] Numerous, off-screen: [Sly, in unison] Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy! Arin: Shut the fuck up! Dan: Oh. [Laughs harder] Okay. Dan: Agh! [Off-screen laughter] Arin: [Coughs] Dan: “Battle it out with your friends to lick as many insects as you can.” Dan: “Do you have the fastest tongue?” I dunno, ask your dad. Dan: [Laughing] Uh, “knock down as many targets as possible-” Arin: He does, oh, he does. Dan: “By blowing your, c [Pause] um…” Arin: I’m a dumbass. I’m a real big dumbass. Don’t even talk to me about being a dumbass, I’m stupid as heck. Dan: Okay. Dan: [Laughs] Dan: Thank you, Allie. Allie: Alright boys, I want a good, clean fight. Arin: Just yell out the number. Allie: Two! Arin: Hoowah! [All laugh] Arin: Who got it?
Allie: I don’t know. Arin: I got it. Allie: I think it was Arin.
Arin: Yay! Allie: Nine. Arin: HOOWAH! [Explosion sounds]
Allie: It was Arin again. Arin: Hah, gotchu motherfuckeeeer! Allie: Five. Arin: Hoowah! Wah! [Flying bullet sound] Dan: Mmhm. Arin: Shit sucks! Allie: Three! Arin: Ahh! [Panicked noises] [Flying bullet sounds] [Flying bullet sounds continue]
Arin: There’s no- oh. You got it. Allie: One! [Glass breaking] Arin: Fuck you! Fuck you! [Incomprehensible angry yelling with occasional “fuck” or “I’ll fucking kill you”] Arin: What’s that? Allie: Seven.
[Metal impact sounds] Arin: AHHHH! Allie: Are you sure? Both: Mmhm. Allie: Are you sure? Both: Mmhm. Allie: Are you sure? Both: Mmhm. Allie: Hit six. [Flying bullet sounds]
Arin: Waah! Arin: DO IT AGAIN!
Dan: Mmhm. Allie: Alright. Oh, god, it’s so moist inside that mask, I can’t keep doing it. Ok. Eight. [Smacking sound] Dan: Oh, good, I’m the quickest licker!
Arin: One more! Allie: Ten.
[Flying bullet sounds] [Laughter] Allie: Well. I think you get double points for that.
Dan: Oh my god. Arin: Get it off, get it off!! [Yelling] Dan: Okay. Allie: Ten.
[Flying bullet sound] Dan: It wasn’t ten.
Arin: What the fuck, where’s the fucking ten? Dan: It’s four.
Allie: You mean there wasn’t- Arin: Fucking FUCK! Dan: Alright.
Allie: Are you ready? Four. [Flying bullet sound, Dan laughs] Allie: I don’t know, I think it was Dan.
Arin: I fucking got it, you fucking- [Unintelligible] Off-screen: It’s five to six, Dan won.
Dan: Yayy! Off-screen: Even with your extra point.
Dan: Aww, man. [Laughter] Arin: I’ll be eating good tonight! [Forceful blowing and Dan laughing] Allie: Oh, Jesus. Allie: Okay. [Laughter] [All laugh] Allie: Ugh. So moist.
Dan: Allie, I feel like we’ve grown closer. Arin: My name’s Randall. I’m 28, and I live in the city. Arin:My dad hates the way I dress. But I don’t care, cause I hate my daaayd. Arin: Well, congratulations, Dan, you won.
Dan: Thank you, Arin! Cuh-! Dan: Congratulations on borrowing my… old school, 92, Michael Strahand Giants jersey. Dan: You look very normal in it. [Laughs]
Arin: Oh, is that what I’m wearing? Dan: Yeah- Arin: You’re saying, fucking, people who watch football are normal? Arin: And I’m not normal cause I don’t watch football? Arin: [Pensive] I died once. Dan: What’s next, Arin? Dan: It’s- it’s Yeti Set Go! Arin: WOW!! Dan: [Laughs] Dan: Arin, be careful, it includes 4 meatball kickin’ yetis! [Both laugh] Arin: Ahh! Arin: Not gonna win this easy! You motherFUCKER!
[Dan laughs, the box emits pained yells with each hit] Arin: Ahh!
Both: [In tandem] The meatballs!! Arin: Wow you like, perfectly cut out the logo.
Dan: [Laughs] Aw, sick. Dan: [Laughs] Dan: Was it the tandem scream of “the meatballs?”
Allie: Yes. [Dan continues to laugh] Dan: Select your yeti, Arin.
Arin: Oh, I want theee… [Trails off] Oh, they’re so cute. Arin: I want the fuckin cool yeti.
Dan: Yeah, I’ll take the snowboarding dude. Arin: He’s like, [Nonsensical throat voice sounds]
Both: [Nonsensical throat voice sounds] Dan: “Contents: five-piece snowy meatball mountain, flag, four kickin’ yetis, 24 meatballs.” Tucker: [Reading the Spanish language instructions through the camera with a strong American accent] Dan: “Objective: Bop the yeti on the head to make him kick all your meatballs onto the snowy mountain before the other players.”
Arin: [Coughs through Dan’s meatball-concern sounds] Arin: What is this?
Dan: You put that [Voice fades] …in your butt. Dan: [Mumbling] Goes in your butt. Arin: Let’s play!
Dan: Ooh, the meatbaaalls! Arin: Oh, no, the meatballs!
Dan: [Relieved] Ok. Arin: I see it, but I can’t understand it.
Dan: Me neither. Arin: And also there’s balls on the playing field. [Bouncing and rattling] Would you stop goofing around? Arin: I can’t, fucking, get it going! [Gibberish rendition of “Walk This Way”] [“Walk This Way” guitar riff impression] Arin: You ready? Dan: Let’s just take turns- wait. We’re just trying to get them into the highest spots, right? Arin: The highest spots. Get a-uh, hiiigh score.
Dan: Okay. So we’ll just, just do it one at a time. Dan: Kay, ready? I’ll hold this steady for you-
Arin: Okay. Dan: Because this is not constructed as… solidly as we would wish. Arin: [Coughs violently] Here we go, kick number one! [Both snort] Both: Alright-
Arin: Kick number oooone! Dan: [Disappointed] Aww.
Arin: Agh. That didn’t really work, did it? Dan: Nope. Okay. [Misses] Okay. [Misses] Okay. [Misses] Okay. [Misses] Okay. [Misses] Dan: Ooh!! Oh! Dan: Alright, I think you’ve exhausted your meatballs. You’re just cycling through the same- Dan: You got one up here, and one up here. [Arin “woo!”s] So let’s say this is 10 points, 20 points, 30-40 points! Dan: You got a 40 point-er.
Arin: 60. 60 points total. Dan: 60 points to Arin! Dan: SHIT! Arin: Oh! Arin: Ooh! Arin: Ah! Arin: I think if it lands on another one it’s minus points.
Dan: Oh is that right? Dan: Is that a new thing you just came up with?
Arin: Yeah I just- Dan: Oooooh! [Both “Oh!”] OOOOOOH! Oh! Dan: [Laughs] Dan: Shit! Shit. Arin: [Strained sexual noise]
Dan: Shit! Arin: [Strained sexual noise]
Dan: Oh, fuck. Arin: [Strained sexual noise]
Dan: Yes!! Dan: Get up there!
Arin: [Strained sexual noise] Dan: [Singing “Walk This Way”] Just gimme a kiss! Dan: Oh, I got it nailed with this one.
Arin: [Strained sexual noises continue] Dan: [Softly] Oooh.
Arin: Oh my god, you fucking nailed it. Dan: Alright. So, 10, 30, 60, we tied! Dan: Sudden deaaaaath! Arin: What does that mean?
Dan: I don’t know, time to come up with our own game. Arin: Okay.
Dan: Meatball yeti soccer. Dan: Perfect. Arin: Hih. Dan: [Laughs] Dan: Alright, let’s do it.
Arin: I didn’t make it. Both: [Victoriously] OOOOH! Arin: That’s one.
Dan: One – Nothing. Dan: [Laughs]
Arin: That was a tester shot. Dan: Uh-huh. Yeah-huh. Alright. Cool. Dan: Aww, shizz.
Arin: Fuck. Dan: [Mockingly] One to nothing! Oh, shit. Arin: Ooh.
Dan: Give it time. Arin: That’s a mmmiss.
Dan: [Blows desperately] Arin: That doesn’t count!
Dan: Alright, alright. Arin: You silly… BITCH. Both: OOOOOH!!!
Dan: It’s one to one! Dan: Shit. [Laughs]
Arin: I feel like that should get points, though. Dan: Oh. Dan: [Sympathetic groan]
Arin: Fuck! Dan: Nooooo! Okay.
Arin: Fuck this shit sucks, game sucks! Dan: My final shot… Arin: Mm.
Dan: Fucking assdicks, man. Dan: One to one.
Arin: Watch this, watch this, watch this, watch this. IN!! Dan: Alright, well, overtime. It’s-we’re in overtime, we’re in overtime. Kay, we’re in overtime. Dan: We’re getting worse. Arin: Well, thank you for joining us on The Ten Minute Power Hour. Love you, have a good… one. Arin: Fiiiinallly… You can say something… What d’ya wanna say? Dan: [Laughs] What? What?
Arin: What? Dan: Can you hand me the- uh. The frogs. Thank you. Arin: [High voice] Oh, no! My best friend- Dan: [A solemn British accent] They shall sleep together, in eternity. [Laughs] [Slam] Arin: Eyes wide shut. [Calm music]